


Ribs

by UniversalMom



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, I feel so bad for writing this, M/M, Running Away, Teen Angst, please dear lord help me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-11-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:47:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 17
Words: 18,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26457415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UniversalMom/pseuds/UniversalMom
Summary: ------------"You have three minutes before I shut the window on your face," I won't actually, probably. It depends on why he decided to wake me up."Okay, okay. What if we ran away?" The second those words leave his mouth his previously whiney expression turns smug, like this is the best thing he ever came up with. I'd say it was quite the opposite of that.--------------------------
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji & Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto - Relationship
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this dream isn't feeling sweet  
> we're reeling through the midnight streets  
> and i've never felt more alone  
> it feels so scary getting old  
> -ribs, lorde

"Psst, Akaashi." 

I wake up to that very persistent whispering from afar. With a groan, I pull myself out of bed. A quick look over to the clock tells me it's 2 o'clock in the morning. 

"Akaashi? Are you awake now?" 

My eyes naturally go in the direction that the noise was coming from, and they are met with a very familiar face outside my window. "Bokuto. Care to explain why you are outside my window right now?" 

He lets out one of the most wide-awake, completely unbothered laughs I have ever heard in my life. Typical Bokuto. I've known him since elementary school, and have grown to accept his upbeat carefree attitude over the years. Still, showing up at my house this late is a little bit extreme. Even for him. 

"I'm obviously here to pick you up," he says this like I should have known already, "you should get dressed and get packed." 

"I'm sorry, repeat that?" Reaching a hand up to my face, I make a sad attempt to rub the sleep out of my eyes. "I don't remember agreeing to anything that would require you showing up at my house this early in the morning." 

"Akaashi," I can practically hear the frown on his face. "C'mon, trust me. It'll be fun." 

"Bokuto, its 2 AM-" 

"Pleeeaaaaasssseee? Just hear me out?" He is practically begging at this point. I sigh, standing up to go to the window. If I don't listen now he'll get all emo on me, and I don't think I can handle that right now. 

"Fine. You have three minutes before I shut the window on your face," I won't actually, probably. It depends on why he decided to wake me up. 

"Okay, okay. What if we ran away?" The second those words leave his mouth his previously whiney expression turns smug, like this is the best thing he ever came up with. I'd say it was quite the opposite of that. 

"No." 

"Why not? It would be fun! We could go sightseeing," he pauses, trying to gauge my reaction. "It's summer anyways, so it's not like we'd be missing school," he sounds dead set on this plan of his. I can't help but wonder what exactly gave him this idea. I don't want to risk egging him on by asking about it though, so I keep it to myself. 

I shake my head, trying to cement it in my mind that no matter how much he pesters me I have got to put my foot down. "Bokuto. What about our parents? We can't just leave out of the blue, they'd worry." 

"So what?" For a second I thought he was joking, but he looked serious. Too serious. It was weird to see Bokuto so serious. Did he really not care?

For a second, I actually consider what he is saying. Once everything falls quiet, I can practically feel his nervous energy. I always have had a hard time saying no to him. "Fine. You'd better let me sleep in the car." I say with a sigh as I turn away from him and start throwing things into my empty backpack.    
"Wait… Really? Akaashi you're actually coming?!" I have to stifle a laugh when I hear how surprised he sounds. Running away is not something I would usually agree to, for good reason. But something about this seems important, so just this once I think it will be alright. 

Once I have my things, I turn to Bokuto again. "Yeah, I will come." 

He runs away from the window to do a victory dance of sorts in the yard, and I climb out after him. Once we're both in the car, I throw my backpack into one of the back seats. 

"Just so we're clear, I am only coming to make sure you don't get stranded somewhere." 

"Thank you, Akaashi." 

I look over to him, he has a really strange expression. He's smiling, but the look in his eyes tells me that something about this is really crucial to him. I catch myself staring before he does, and look out my window with an exasperated sigh. "Yeah, you're welcome." 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> baby hotline  
> please hold me close to you  
> -Baby Hotline, Jack Stauber

When I wake up for the second time, we're still on the road somewhere. I never bothered asking Bokuto where exactly he plans on taking us, so I have no clue where we're headed. 

"Hey hey hey! Akaashi, you're finally awake!" He looks completely fine now, all the intensity from last night is gone. He is just the normal, happy-go-lucky Bokuto. 

"Eyes on the road," I respond. I take a moment to study our surroundings, trying to figure out where we are. We can't have gotten too far in the few hours I was asleep. "You're going to need to take a nap or something. I can drive for a while." I have no idea how long he was awake before he came to get me, but he has been up at least since 2 AM. 

Bokuto shakes his head but doesn't look over at me. "I'm all good. We're road-tripping! No time for sleep." At first, I think he's joking, but when he doesn't say anything else I realize he was being completely serious.

"Bokuto- that's not… You know what? Okay." I don't feel like arguing with him on something so trivial, he'll probably change his mind when he gets tired later anyways. "Where are we headed?" 

"To the beach," he says, sounding very excited. "It's super nice out right now, so I figured we could make it in time to watch the sunset." 

"That's actually _not_ a bad idea. How far out are we?" I certainly did not expect him to have any kind of plan. I was expecting to have to make the plans after we were already on the road, but he seems to know where he's going. For now, at least.

"Um, a few hours. But I figure we'll stop along the way. I want to get food soon," he quickly glances over at me and I give him a nod. I'm impressed with his surprisingly logical plans, its unlike him to be this focused on a goal. 

I lean my head against the window and try to fall asleep again so that I'll be well-rested enough to drive once Bokuto decides he's tired. It takes a while, but I eventually drift off. 

I only wake up when Bokuto shakes me somewhat violently. "Jesus- what's happening?" I say groggily, pushing his arm away from my shoulder. 

I am met with a response that is completely unphased by my harsh tone, "McDonald's. What do you want?" 

"Uh, just some nuggets or something. Oh, and water." I wish he had picked literally any restaurant other than McDonald's, but just this once I'll live. Next time I am picking our food though. 

Next time… I wonder how long Bokuto actually plans on us being gone. I'm sure he knows how irresponsible it is for us to just leave like this. I don't quite understand how past me was ever even persuaded to come. But, that look he had on his face was just too serious. I felt as if I couldn't say no to him at that moment. So here we are. 

I am abruptly startled out of my thoughts by Bokuto handing me the bag of food. "I would have paid," I say, setting it on my lap to make sure we got everything we ordered. He made some sly remark on how a gentleman always pays for food which I responded to with a sigh, as I took my food out of the bag. I handed him his food and we got out to sit in the parking lot and eat. 

Once we're both finished, Bokuto stands up to stretch. We still have a couple of hours until we're at the beach, and he looks tired. "I'll drive the last leg. You need to sleep or you won't make it to the sunset." 

He looks for a second like he wants to argue, but gives up whatever he wanted to say and instead shrugs. "Works for me." I was planning to have to force him into the passenger seat, so the lack of argument was very welcome. "You know the way?" 

"I've been a few times. I'm sure I can manage," I respond as I make my way towards the car. I have to adjust the seat to comfortably drive, Bokuto is a lot bigger than I am. He starts to laugh, but I give him an unamused glance that shuts him up before he says anything. 

It took little to no time for Bokuto to fall asleep once we were on the road. I quietly laugh to myself thinking about how he had previously insisted he wouldn't get tired, before falling into a comfortable silence. 

I like the quiet. I've been told it suits me. The ability to just sit and observe is one that I value. I spare a glance over at the now sleeping Bokuto and can't help but continue to wonder exactly what it is we're doing here. If I felt like I could ask him I would. For now, I settle for driving in silence and looking at our ever-changing surroundings. Every once in a while I look back to Bokuto and sometimes catch myself wishing he was awake. But every time that happens I push the thought down and refocus on the road.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i hate the beach   
> but i stand in california with my toes in the sand  
> use the sleeves of my sweater  
> lets have an adventure  
> -sweater weather, the neighbourhood

Bokuto wakes up just as we're getting to the beach. It's about 7:00 PM now, just in time for the sunset. "Are we there yet?" He asks this as soon as he is awake enough to hold a conversation. 

"Look out my window," I repond, gesturing toward the ocean to my left. "I'm just looking for a place to pull in so we can get out.” 

He leans as far over into my personal space as he can without actually touching me to peer out the window towards the water. A wide smile spreads across his face at the sight. “Is it almost sunset time?” 

I nod, pointing at the time showing on the car’s clock. “We’ve got an hour at most,” I explain, not wanting to have to answer another sunset-related question.

Seeing how excited Bokuto gets about the ocean almost makes the whole running away thing worth it. Recently, he’s seemed a little drained. To everyone else he’s just the usual excitable, loveable Bokuto. But I have known him too long to not notice when something is wrong. I just hadn't gotten up the courage to ask him about it yet. I have a feeling that whatever it was is the reason we’re here right now. 

Once again I am broken from my thoughts by a semi concerned Bokuto. “Akaashi? Hello? Earth to Akaashi?” 

“Sorry. What?” I don’t feel the need to explain that I was lost in thoughts just then, he probably knows without me saying it. I tend to do that a lot. 

“We just passed a pull out! I wanna get out of the car,” as he says this a slight pout tugs at his lips, ruining the smile that was there previously. 

“My bad,” I respond, sighing to myself. Instead of letting my mind wander again, I focus myself on locating the next place we can get out. I don’t want Bokuto getting all emo on me about missing the sunset, so this is the best course of action. 

It only takes a couple of minutes for us to find a place to get out. Bokuto is so excited he nearly jumps out of the car while I’m still driving. He is out and running towards the beach before I even have my door open. When I catch up, he already has a blanket that he pulled out of the back set out for us to sit on. He looks up as I approach and pats the blanket next to him, signaling for me to sit down. 

I sit without a word, and stare out towards the ocean. Even though it's summer, the breeze causes me to shiver a little. It smells like salt and dead fish since the tide is so low, but it's pretty regardless. 

Bokuto must have noticed me shivering at some point, because after a minute of silence he slips off his jacket and throws it at me. 

“You can keep your coat. I will live,” I say, picking up the discarded jacket to hand back to him. He simply shakes his head and pushes my hand back towards me. 

“You’re small. You get cold easier, so you get the jacket.” He nods knowingly, like this was some sort of unwritten rule that I didn’t know about. 

I sigh, but put the jacket on without another argument. “Just so you know, that's not how that works.” 

He shushes me and excitedly points toward the horizon, which has started to turn pale pink. “Akaashi, quiet. The sunset!” 

“Can we not talk during the sunset?” I am answered by a loud ‘shh!’ from Bokuto. He is taking this whole sunset viewing thing very seriously. 

We remain silent for the next five minutes, watching the sky go from a light pink to a pretty burnt orange color. I am not the romantic type, but this would make for a really beautiful date. Anyone with half a brain cell could see that. 

“Hey, Akaashi. Wanna know something?” Bokuto asks, breaking the previous silence. 

“I thought we couldn’t talk during the sunset,” I respond, sounding somewhat annoyed. After a second, I give up the annoyed act. “What is it?” 

He doesn’t answer me right away. Instead, he takes his phone out and snaps a picture of me against the fading sunset before I have time to protest. 

“Bokuto.” I try my best to sound authoritative as I shoot a glare in his direction. He laughs at me.

“Just one picture Akaashi. I promise.” He cracks a smile, and bats his eyelashes innocently. I don’t believe him, but I let it slide. 

“What did you want to tell me?” I ask, trying to get the subject back on track, before he forgets what he wanted to say. 

He shakes his head, still smiling, “nevermind. Did you know your eyes reflect the sunset?” 

“Everyone’s eyes reflect things, Bokuto.” I look over to him, and almost immediately wish I hadn’t. His previously semi-mischievous face had turned almost melancholic as he stared out at the now dark horizon. It’s strange to see him like this. “It's dark now. We should get back on the road.” 

I stand up and brush myself off, snapping Bokuto out of whatever trance he was just in. He immediately changes his expression back to his usual carefree one and grabs the blanket we were sitting on. 

When we get back to the car, he reclaims the driver’s seat. I didn’t protest, figuring it’d be smart for me to get some rest. “Wake me up when you feel tired, we can switch.” 

He says something snarky about not feeling tired ever, but ultimately agrees. It only takes a few minutes for us to be back on the road and I am asleep again in no time. 

  
  



	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you're lonely come be lonely with me  
> -this side of paradise, coyote theory

We’ve been driving for a good six hours at this point, and I still haven’t bothered to ask Bokuto where we’re going this time. I’m starting to think we’re just driving, and his only solid plan was the beach. 

“Akaashi! Hey, Akaashi. Look.” I look over toward the passenger seat and then to where Bokuto is pointing. “Horses!” 

“Yes, those are horses,” I say, my eyes returning to the road. This is the fifth time he has pointed out animals to me in the last hour. I don’t really mind, whatever keeps him occupied works for me. I’ve noticed that he doesn’t do well in long car rides over the course of this trip. 

He turns to me with a pouty expression, upset over my unenthusiastic reaction to his latest find. “Akaaaashhhiiii, let’s talk.” 

“About?” I don’t look over, trying my best to keep my eyes on the road. I’ve found it harder and harder to pry my eyes from Bokuto when I let them wander as of late. I don’t have any idea why, but it's really hard to keep from staring. 

“Anything. I’m bored. We should talk.” I can practically hear the pout in his voice. I sigh, trying to come up with a topic for him before this escalates. 

“Where are we headed?” That's all I can really come up with. I’d rather not ask him about why he made me run away right now, since he seems to be in such a good mood.

Bokuto immediately brightens up when I ask my question, like it is the most brilliant thing he’s ever heard. “Great question. How about the city? I haven’t been to a city this far before.” 

I  _ knew  _ he didn’t have any other plans. I just knew it. “What business do we have in the city?” 

He shrugs, keeping a smile on his face. “I’ve just always wanted to go, so why not! We’ve got plenty of cash. Lets go, Akaashi!” 

“Alright, then. City it is.” He seems satisfied with my answer, and a comfortable quiet settles over us again. 

Both our phones are dead at this point, or I’m sure he’d be playing some sort of mobile game right now. I texted my parents before mine died, so they wouldn’t think we had up and disappeared. However, if the cops tracked us down and dragged us home anyways I would not be surprised. 

A good thirty minutes passes before Bokuto speaks up again. “We should stop at a payphone somewhere.” 

“Why? Do you need to call someone?” I briefly glance over at him, but he’s turned towards his window so I can’t see his expression.

“I wanna call Kuroo! He’s gonna be  _ so _ jealous.” That is not at all the answer that I expected. But, I‘m not very surprised either. Kuroo is his best friend, I actually figured he knew about our little trip before we left. That must not be the case though, or we’d have no reason to call him. 

“If you see a payphone, we can stop. But there probably won’t be one until we get to the city. People use cell phones, nowadays.” I gesture to both of our dead phones that are sitting on top of the middle console.

He laughs, picking up his phone and making a show of trying to turn it on. “Damn, I thought maybe it would’ve charged itself! Thats a shame, isn’t it Akaashi?” He smirks, looking over toward me as he sets his phone back down.

“Oh, hush. It's not  _ my  _ fault your car doesn’t have a charger.” He just continues laughing at me, but abruptly stops to roll his window down and stick his head out. 

“Akaashi, COWS!” He yells, hanging himself out as far as he can. 

This time, I can’t help but laugh with him. “Get back in the car Bokuto, I won’t stop if you fall out.” I try my best to sound serious, but I’m having trouble doing that while stifling my laughs.

“Meanie!” He says, coming back in to pout at me. I roll his window back up and send an amused glance over to him. 

“Whatever,” is all I say in response. After that, we once again fall to silence. It stays that way until Bokuto and I switch seats the next time. I am quick to fall back asleep, knowing that he’ll make me wake up next time we stop. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> you look so nice in your shirt  
> it's sad because it just hurts  
> i'd do anything for you  
> but would you do that for me, too?  
> -bubblegum, clairo

We’re currently stopped at a rest area off the side of the road, because Bokuto insists that we picnic in the grass instead of eating in the car.

I pull out our gas station sandwiches and the orange juice Bokuto got for us, and follow him out into the small field. He has our beach blanket laid out so we have somewhere to sit, but he’s sprawled out on it. There is not a single place for me to sit that isn’t directly on top of him.

“Hey, scoot over.” I say, kneeling down in preparation for having to physically push him out of the way. 

He looks over to me with a laugh and sits up so that I can set our food down and kneel on the blanket. “Did you grab the orange juice?”

“Yes, Bokuto, I grabbed the orange juice. We don’t have cups though, so you’ll just have to drink half and then I will drink the rest.” If I had known before we left that we would be gone this long, I probably would have thought to bring some cups and paper plates or something. 

It's been about four days at this point, most of which has been spent in the car. It would have been quicker had Bokuto not decided we were going to be taking the scenic route to the city. I’m not really complaining though, we’ve had a relatively good time so far. 

Bokuto reaches over me to grab his sandwich and the aforementioned juice, and immediately starts eating. I follow suit, wanting to quickly get back onto the road. We’ve got a long day of driving left before we hit the city, and I want to get it over with as quickly as possible. But stops like these every once in a while are necessary for Bokuto’s sanity, I’m sure.

After a moment, I find my eyes drifting to look at Bokuto. He’s finished eating, and is now laying on his back staring at the sky. He looks incredibly content. 

“Do I have food on my face or something?” He asks, reaching his hand up and waving it in front of my face. He caught me staring. 

“No, sorry. I just spaced out.” I say that, but I can feel my face heating up out of embarrassment. I put the hood of my jacket up to hopefully hide that fact from him.

He smirks, turning his face back up towards the sky. “I’m devilishly handsome, I know. No need to be embarrassed.” 

I scoff, shaking my head. “I was  _ not _ staring at you intentionally.” I rub my face, thinking that might make the redness go away. 

All of a sudden, Bokuto snaps up into a sitting position to look at me. “Let’s run laps.” 

“In the grass?” I ask, confused as to why he’s even suggesting that.

“Yeah! We’re cooped up in a car all day, some exercise would do us good.” He stands up and starts jogging in place, waiting for me to join him.

I sigh, standing up and taking the last bite of my sandwich. “I suppose you aren’t wrong.” I start to jog off ahead of him, expecting him to follow.

He does, and we run laps around the grassy area side by side. We run for a good half hour before Bokuto stops and sprawls out on the blanket again. 

I sit next to him, going to stretch out a little. I can feel his eyes on me as I stretch, but decide to ignore them in favor of focusing on my stretches. 

“See? Much better.” He says, sitting up once again. 

“It was refreshing, but we should probably head out now.” I stand up, pulling the blanket out from under him and collecting our trash. I turn and walk back to the car, popping the trunk and putting everything I was carrying in there. 

He walks up behind me and puts his hands on my shoulders, spinning me around to face him. “You sure are serious all the time Akaashi. Lighten up!” 

“That's just how I am.” I say, a questioning look on my face. In all the years I’ve known him, he has never questioned my somewhat cold demeanor. I certainly did not expect him to start now. 

“Well,  _ yeah _ I know that. But you don’t always have to be so… intense. It's just us, you’re allowed to have fun.” This is weird. I didn’t think he actually cared that much.

“I do have fun.” I respond, starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable. I look around, searching for some way to change the conversation. 

“You know what I mean,” he says with a shrug. He then moves away from me and goes to get into the car. 

Under the guise of checking my belongings, I stand out at the trunk for a few more minutes. I’m trying to push that whole conversation out of my head, and pretend it just didn’t happen. That was very unlike Bokuto, and it freaks me out. 

Once I am semi-calm again, I close the trunk and take my place in the passenger seat. Bokuto’s whole mood has changed. He’s back to his normal, non-invasively questioning self. Admittedly, he didn’t seem much different than normal when he asked me those questions. 

We didn’t say anything for a long while, only talking when Bokuto needed me to look at our map. This continued until I eventually fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i probably still adore you with your hands around my neck  
> or I did last time I checked  
> -505, arctic monkeys

I wake up from my third nap of the day to Bokuto yelling about the city. I'm guessing that means we've arrived. 

"Akaashi! Akaashi wake up! Look how big the buildings are!" I begrudgingly blink my eyes open, raising a hand up to block out the sun while I adjust to being awake again. 

"Do you think we can go to the top of one? Wouldn't that be so cool Akaashi?" He says, turning to check that I am waking up and not blatantly ignoring him. Satisfied by my being awake, he goes back to watching the road. He's really gotta work on keeping his eyes off of me and on the road before we crash. 

Once I am conscious enough to, I turn over to Bokuto, "most of them are probably office buildings. I can look on the map to see if there are any we can go in, though." 

Bokuto nods excitedly, tightening his grip on the steering wheel. "We should charge our phones and take a picture together up there! It'd look so cool." 

"If you want," I respond with a shrug. I don't like pictures much, but I figure if we are gonna go through the trouble of getting to the top of one of these skyscrapers I should let him take at least one picture.

"Really?! You'd take one with me?!  _ Willingly?! _ " He asks, glancing in my direction. He doesn't look like he believes me.

I just nod and turn away from him to look out my window. I want to scope out the city so that I at least have  _ some  _ notion of where we are when it's my turn to drive. Bokuto isn't the best at maps. "We're getting a hotel, right?" I ask, going to get our map and look for one that doesn't sound too prestigious.

"Yeah, we should spend a night here. I wanna see the nightlife!" I am not looking at him, but I know the exact look he's got on his face right now. His signature grin, he probably looks pleased with himself. 

"Bokuto, we're underage. It's going to be hard to even get a hotel." I send a glance in his direction, he doesn't seem phased by me saying that in the slightest. 

I just sigh and go back to finding a hotel, rather than continuing to convince him that the 'nightlife' is not for us. Before I can start directing him towards our hotel, he spontaneously pulls into a mostly empty parking lot. 

"What are we doing?" I ask, setting the map down to disapprovingly glare at Bokuto. 

"I wanted to call, Kuroo! 'Member?" He says, parking and quickly getting out to go into the phone booth. He has to come back to get the coins he forgot he needed. I just watch, until he waves me over that is.

I get up and go over to him, a questioning look on my face. He just holds the phone out to me and bounces a little. I assume that means Kuroo wants to talk to me, so I take the phone from his hand and put it up to my ear. 

"Hello?" 

" _ Hi, Akaashi. It's Kuroo."  _

"I know it is. Did you need something?"

" _ Wow, hello to you too."  _

"Sorry. Hi, how are you?" 

" _ I was kidding. I did need something. Don't make it obvious that I'm asking, but is Bokuto okay?"  _

"I believe so." 

" _ He isn't acting weird at all?" _

"Actually, yeah. Kind of." 

" _ That's what I thought. Keep an eye on him for me okay? I worry about him." _

"I will."

" _ Thanks." _

"No worries." With that, I hand the phone back to Bokuto. He talks animatedly with Kuroo for a few more minutes before coming back to the car. While he was gone, I picked our hotel. 

"Alright, where are we headed?" He asks, looking over at me. His eyes look a lot less stressed now that he's got to talk to Kuroo. Kuroo usually has that effect on him. 

"I found us a hotel, the information on the map makes me think we'll be able to get a room there." I have my ID, but neither of us are 18 so I am hoping that we won't have to sleep in the car somewhere. That would be incredibly inconvenient. 

"You're the best, Akaashi!" He says, starting the car and carefully pulling back out onto the road. 

I shake my head, and just start giving him directions to the hotel from where we are. 

While we drive, I can't help but wonder why Kuroo was so worried about Bokuto on the phone. Does he know something that I don't? I don't know why Bokuto would feel like he needed to hide something from me. I wish I could have asked him, but I didn't want to have to explain to Bokuto why we were talking about him. 

"Akaashi? Hello? Where do I turn?" He leans over and waves a hand in between the map and my face, trying to get my attention. 

"What? Uh, left. Sorry." I didn't even realize that I was spacing out that time. I really need to stop doing that. 

Bokuto turns, only sparing a glance in my direction as he drives. He looks like he wants to ask something, but for some reason he isn't. 

"What is it?" I ask, wondering why he wouldn't just say it. 

"What is what?" He says this really quickly, like he's nervous. I don't want him to be nervous. 

"You look like you want to say something, what is it?" I try my best to sound calm, hoping that he'll just say whatever it is he wants to say if I don't sound annoyed. 

"Oh… uh. It's nothing." I don't say anything, I just give him a look that says 'don't lie to me'. "It's really nothing! I just… Well I was wondering something." 

"What were you wondering?" At this point we've made it to the hotel, and are just talking in the parked car. 

"Well it's just… You keep spacing off like that. What are you thinking about?" I breathe out a sigh of relief. He had me worried that he was going to say something really bad. 

"You, usually." I say that without hesitation, it's the truth. But his reaction to it confuses me. He looks shocked, almost. He just turns and stares at me for a moment before opening his door and getting out of the car.

"I'm gonna go get us a room, I'll be back." I nod, watching him walk off.

That was weird. But I brush it off, deciding to ask him about it later rather than worry about it now.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> coulda been a nightmare  
> but it felt like they were right there  
> and it feels like yesterday was a year ago  
> but I don't wanna let anybody know  
> -everything i wanted, billie eilish

"I got us a room!" Bokuto says, opening my door so that I can step out of the car. He seems to have gotten over whatever just happened, and is back to his normal self. 

"Good. I was worried we were going to have to sleep in the car." I say as I get up, brushing myself off and closing my door. "Are we good to go in now?"

"Yeah! We're all checked in. We've just gotta be out by tomorrow at 2:00." He runs around to the back of the car and grabs everything out of the trunk. Looking to me to make sure I follow, he starts bringing the stuff in. 

I shoot him a puzzled glance but follow along behind him. "I would have helped carry all that." 

"Nope. I am being a  _ gentleman _ and carrying your stuff for you." He seems to be very proud of himself, so I just let him carry on and make sure to open any doors we come across so he doesn't drop our things.

Once we're in our room, I have Bokuto set our things on the floor. "Are you going to shower first or should I?" 

"No thank you? I carried  _ everything _ ," he says with a pout. 

"Thank you. Are you going to shower first or should I?" I'm tired, and really all I want is to lay down. But after being in the car for so long, both of us need a hot shower. 

He sighs, grabbing a towel from the closet. "I'll shower first," he replies, and walks into the bathroom. Once I hear the shower running, I sink into the bed with a relieved sigh. 

This trip has been strange, to say the least. Especially today. Why was he acting so weird when I answered his question? I just told the truth. I usually  _ am  _ thinking about him when I space. He's been confusing me a lot lately, so I can't really help it. Why is that so weird?

I hear the shower go off, and drag myself out of bed to start getting ready for my turn. I grab some clothes to change into and a towel, and wait for Bokuto to come out. 

Once he does, I take a second to appreciate his hair. It's always sticking straight up, which is fine, but I have always preferred it down. Before he catches me staring, I make my way into the bathroom for my shower.

The water feels nice. I won't be able to enjoy it for long (I don't want to leave Bokuto alone) but even for just a moment, it's nice. It's almost as nice as getting to sleep in an actual bed is going to be. Car seats are not the most comfortable for sleeping, I have found. 

I quickly wash up and put on my clean clothes, leaving the dirty ones and the used towel in a neat pile for me to clean up later. When I walk out, Bokuto is trying to figure out how to work the TV. He looks incredibly confused, so I grab the TV guide and walk over to him. 

"This will help," I say, handing him the guide. He perks up when he notices me there, and quietly thanks me for the guide before going back to fiddling with the remote. He must be very concentrated, usually he'd have some sort of remark for me. 

Instead of pestering him, I once again let myself fall onto my bed. It is not as comfortable as the bed I would be in if I were at home, but it is better than nothing. After a moment of just laying there, I grab the blankets and pull them back so that I can lay under them. 

"Hey, Akaashi?" Bokuto says, not bothering to look up from the remote. 

"Yes, Bokuto," I respond, expecting him to have a question about the TV.

"Should we charge our phones?" I almost forgot about that. Now  _ would _ be a good time to charge up before we get back on the road. 

"Probably, yeah." I get up out of the bed and prepare to go get our phones from the car. 

"Leave mine." 

"What? 

"Leave mine in the car, please." He says, completely calm, like that isn't a strange thing for him to say. Does he not want to look at his messages or anything? 

"Why? Shouldn't you at least let your parents know you haven't died?" He almost cringes when I say that, and just shakes his head in response. 

"No, it's fine." 

"Didn't you want to take pictures? I found a building that we could get to the top of." At this point, I am starting to worry for him, though I try my best to keep my cool. 

"I've changed my mind." I decide not to pry, for now, and just go out to the car to get my phone. 

I thought Bokuto and his parents had a good relationship, why wouldn't he want them to know that he was alive and well? I wonder if that had anything to do with why he ran away in the first place? Later, before we sleep, I will ask him. That seems like the best course of action to me. I'd like to think that we're close, so he should be able to talk to me, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its literally only 3 but thank you to anyone who left kudos <3 it means so much to me that you liked my story so far!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i still remember third of december  
> me in your sweater, you said it looked better  
> on me, than it did you, only if you knew  
> how much i liked you  
> -heather, conan gray

I woke up to the sound of heavy breathing. Before anything else, I look at the clock. It's currently 3 AM. For a minute, I am pissed that my one night of sleep in a bed in the foreseeable future was interrupted. Then I realize that it's Bokuto who's breathing heavy.

Quickly, I sit up and get out of bed. Looking over to the other side of the room, I see that Bokuto is still asleep. I walk over there and tap his shoulder. "Bokuto?" I whisper, not sure if I should actually wake him up or not.

He shudders when I poke him, so I decide I should wake him up. He seems to be having a really,  _ really,  _ bad dream. 

"Hey, Bo. Wake up." I reach back out and shake him a little. I give it a few seconds before reaching out again, but he jolts awake before I can shake him. He almost instinctively flinches away from my hand. I quickly pull it away, not wanting to scare him any more. "Hey, I think you were having a nightmare."

It takes him nearly a full minute to realize that it's me, and not whoever or whatever he thought I was. When he does, he breathes out a shaky sigh of relief. He still looks incredibly tense, and I can see that his hands are shaking even in the dark. "H-hey, Akaashi." 

"Bo, what's wrong?" I ask, cautiously going to sit across from him on the bed. I am careful not to get close, to prevent him from getting uncomfortable. The last thing I want is for him to not feel safe with me.

"U-uh… um… just a bad dream," he looks so small when he says that. I've never seen Bokuto like this. Not once ever. 

"That seemed like more than just a bad dream, Bo. Do you want to talk about it?" He is already shaking his head before I even finish my sentence. 

"No, no. It's alright. I'm fine, see?" He cracks a big smile, trying to show me that he's fine. I know that it's bullshit. 

It takes me a minute, but I come up with something that I think might help him. "Bo, can I touch you?"

"W-what?" 

"Can I? It isn't bad, I promise." I don't think he knows that I can, but I see the tears streaming down his face. I have no clue what to say, so doing something is all I really can manage.

"I, um… sure?" He looks incredibly confused. I don't blame him, I don't think I have ever asked him something like that before. He just seems so… scared.

Slowly, I move closer to him and pull him into a tight hug. He pretty much loses it when I hug him. No longer bothering to hide his tears from me anymore, he sobs into my shoulder. It's heartbreaking to see him this way. 

"Shh. It's okay," I whisper, trying my best to sound comforting. This type of thing is not my forte, but I can tell he needs me right now and I want to be there for him. 

He's mumbling something to me, but I can't quite make out what it is. When I realize he's apologizing over and over, I pull him away so that I can look at his face.

"Bokuto, listen to me-"

"Akaashi, I-" 

"No, listen. You have no reason to be sorry. Bo, it's okay." He just starts crying again, so I pull him back into my chest. 

We stay like that for a long time, Bokuto crying into my shoulder and me trying to convince him that he's okay. Eventually, he falls asleep. 

I don't want to risk waking him up, tonight has already been stressful for him. Between this and me hounding him with questions that he wouldn't answer earlier, he needs the rest. So I stay there with him. It doesn't take long for me to fall asleep too.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> and if you're feeling lonely you should tell me  
> before this ends up as another memory  
> will you tell the truth so I don't have to lie?  
> -are you bored yet?, wallows ft. clairo

I don’t mention anything that happened the next morning. We both pretend like the whole nightmare situation simply didn’t happen. Instead, we choose to focus on the positive. We’re going to the top of a skyscraper today.

“I can’t believe you  _ actually  _ found us one Akaashi! We’ll be able to see the whole city from up there.” He points to the building we’re about to be inside of as I pull up to it.

“You asked me to.” That's really all I can think to say. I am not particularly excited about being that high up in the air, but I don’t voice my concern as to not ruin Bokuto’s mood. 

He bounces excitedly in his seat until I park, and practically throws himself out of the car the second he can. He runs out to not so patiently wait next to my door for me to join him. 

I step out of the car and grab the keys, locking the door behind me. Bokuto is practically bursting at the seams trying to wait for me, so I wave him ahead. “Go wait in line, I’ll be there in a second.” 

He nods and runs off to get us our spot in line. I check to make sure we’re not leaving anything especially valuable out in the car, not that we really have much. I reach into my back pocket and ensure my phone is there.

Bokuto  _ said  _ he didn’t care about taking pictures, but I have a feeling that wasn’t true. He loves to take pictures whenever we go places he deems exciting. If he won’t take them with his phone, he can use mine. Maybe I should get him a camera for his birthday. 

Once I am sure everything is set with the car, I join Bokuto in the line. He can hardly contain his excitement at this point. The second I am standing next to him he starts talking way too fast about anything and everything. I’m not 100% listening, but I try to nod along and verbally agree with him as best I can.

It takes a while, but we eventually make our way to the counter and purchase our tickets. This leads to  _ yet another _ long line on the inside to get into the elevator. All I can do is hope it moves fast, because at this point Bokuto might actually explode if we don’t get to the top soon.

“If I had known how popular this place was, I would have found somewhere else.” I say quietly, interrupting whatever train of thought Bokuto was on. 

He shakes his head, dismissing my negative comment as quickly as I made it. “I’m glad we’re here. This building is  _ so _ tall Akaashi, it’ll be like… like… I don’t know-” 

“Like we’re at the top of a skyscraper?” I interject, sarcastically.

“Well, yeah, obviously. Duh. I was looking for something creative to say,” he pouts, but it doesn’t last long, “like we’re flying! There, that's better.” 

“Flying, huh?” I quip, pulling my phone out of my pocket as we slowly approach the elevator. We’ll probably be next to go up. 

Nonchalantly, I try to hand Bokuto my phone. He just stares at it, not reaching out for it. He doesn’t seem to understand.

“Pictures, Bo. You said you wanted to take pictures.” Immediately when I say that, his face brightens.

“You’d let me use your phone?” He asks, still not taking the phone. 

“Well, yeah. Yours is dead.” I try to play it off like this is normal, but we both know it isn’t. I am not one to go out of my way to take pictures. I sort of hate them. 

Bokuto smiles big and takes the phone from my hand, slipping it into the pocket of his jacket. “Thank you,” he says quietly. 

I don’t respond. 

When our elevator makes it to the top of the tower, Bokuto practically sprints to an empty space and presses his face against the protective glass. He turns to look at me, like he is making sure I am seeing the same thing he is. I just smile and go to stand next to him. 

“You really can see everything, right Akaashi? The whole city!” I don’t think I have ever heard him sound this excited before.

His eyes are so bright, none of the tension from before lingers there. If I look hard enough, I can almost see the reflection of the city in them. I am so glad I brought us here. 

“Akaashi?” He mutters, looking over to me. He must have caught me staring in his peripheral. 

“Yeah, the whole city.” I choose not to comment on the fact that I was just studying his eyes, and turn my gaze instead to the view we came up here for. 

The same look returns to his eyes, leaving no trace of the questioning one in them a moment ago. He is thoroughly enchanted by the city. If I were to be honest, I couldn’t care less about being in the city. But something about being here with Bokuto and getting to see him so happy makes it all worth it for me.

I hear the snap of a camera beside me, and turn to see Bokuto taking the pictures I promised him. Instead of complaining like I usually would, I try my best to smile. This seems to please him, judging by the smile on his face.

“Let’s take one together!” He turns so his back is facing the glass and holds the phone up, waiting for me to join him. I do, and he takes a picture of us with the city at our backs. 

I watch as he goes through his new collection of photos, deleting the ones he deems ‘bad’. He snaps one more picture of the view, and then our time is up. We have to go back down to make room for more people to come up. 

As we are taken down by the elevator, I can’t help but steal one last glance at Bokuto. This look on his face is one that I would like to commit to memory. He looks the happiest he has in a long time. I am so lucky to have been here to witness it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to mention this IS going on Wattpad as well (wattpad actually has more frequent updates). I felt it was important to say that just so nobody thinks my wattpad account is stealing this story or vice versa! :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> look into your heart and let me know  
> do things turn black and grey as they go?  
> when i'm far too gone, can you show me love?  
> -gimme love, joji

Once we're out of the building, it's time for us to get back on the road. I have no idea where we're going this time, but I am sure Bokuto will come up with some crazy ideas before too long. That is his specialty.

"So, Akaashi, where are we going?" Maybe I was wrong. Looks like we'll have to improvise, then. 

I shrug in response to his question and pull out my phone. I don't have much battery left, but it should be enough for a quick google search. 

I type 'activities near me' into the search bar and wait a second as it pulls up a list. I am met with an overwhelmingly large number of options. After skimming through for a moment, I pick a few things I think Bokuto might enjoy and read them out to him. "There's a fair nearby we could check out. There's also an aquarium and a few different themed cafes in the city that might be interesting. You pick." 

"Um, the aquarium! No, no, we should go to a cafe." He pauses, seeming to think over the options. "But the fair sounds fun… You pick, Akaashi. I can't do it." He pouts, disappointed in his lack of decision-making abilities. 

"How about we stop at a cafe, and then head to the fair. We're a two-minute drive from a cat cafe, and I would like coffee." I know that a cafe is not Bokuto's ideal place to be, which is why I suggest we go to the fair afterward. I just need coffee. 

"Yeah! That's perfect. You're so good at planning things." I look over from the passenger seat, and he looks genuinely pleased. I'm happy as long as he's happy.

I direct him on how to get there and prevent him from crashing his car when he tries to parallel park. That, as I have just found out, is not his forte. It takes a while, but eventually, we are safely parked outside the cafe. I hide my phone under my seat and lock my door once I am out. I wait for Bokuto to catch up before walking into the cafe. 

We're greeted with the comforting smell of coffee and freshly baked pastries, and soft lighting that makes the atmosphere very homey. I instantly feel more relaxed the moment we walk in. A waitress dressed in a maid outfit brings us to a room that she informs us will be private since there aren't many customers at this time of night. I hadn't even realized that it was as late as it was. It was starting to get dark outside on our drive here. 

Once the waitress has us all settled, she leaves us to decide on our orders and play with the cats. We were told to ring a bell when we were ready to order. I turn to Bokuto, who has moved out of his seat to sit next to a kitten on the floor. 

"Do you know what you want?" I ask him since I don't think he is much of a coffee drinker. A few months back he tried a sip of mine and told me it 'tastes like dirt', so I don't figure he'll want any now. 

"You pick! I want something sugary," he informs me. Maybe I could have guessed that. I simply nod and look through the menu for something I think he'd enjoy. 

I end up deciding to order myself a mocha and pick out a strange snack for Bokuto. They call it a 'Kitty Kookie Suprise', which just might be one of the most ridiculous names I have ever heard. But, it was basically a cookie sandwich with frosting in the middle, so I figure it'll fulfill his request for something sugary. 

I let Bokuto ring the bell because he seemed excited about it when the waitress mentioned it. When she comes in, I tell her our order. She does a little skit when I order the cookie thing, and says she'll be back with our things soon. I thought that the whole endeavor was rather embarrassing, but Bokuto seemed to enjoy it. 

I have to basically pull Bokuto off the floor to get him to eat. He had goaded all the cats over to him with treats he grabbed from the front counter. He insisted that he needed to share his cookie with them, but after I inform him that it will make them sick, he drops it. 

He seems really pleased with his strange cat cookie, and I mentally make a note to tease him about it later. He finishes it as quickly as he can and returns to the floor while I drink my much-needed coffee.

After a good ten minutes of convincing Bokuto that we can come back at some point, we're ready to leave. I pay for everything and say goodbye to the cats when Bokuto insists that I do so. 

We then head out to the car, and I make Bokuto let me drive. He insists that he should drive us there because he is the 'gentleman', but I explain that since I know where we are going therefore I should be the one driving.

With that settled, we start to make our way towards the fair. 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the ways in which you talk to me  
> have me wishin' i were gone  
> the ways that you say my name  
> have me runnin' on and on  
> -mr. loverman, ricky montgomery

By the time we reach the fair, it's pitch black outside. But fluorescent light from the various rides and games seeps out into the parking lot, allowing us to make our way to the nearest ticket booth without tripping. I had only planned on getting a few tickets, but Bokuto pesters me about wanting bracelets all the way through the line. I have  _ really _ got to start working on my ability to say no to him before we blow all our money. 

The second we both have our bracelets on, Bokuto grabs me by my arm and drags me behind him into the fair. It's packed with people, leaving very little room to safely walk. I have to be constantly apologizing for running people, for fear that I might bump the wrong person and cause some kind of conflict. 

Bokuto pulls me for a good three minutes before he reaches the front of the biggest roller coaster in the whole park. He probably saw it when we were in line, and wasted no time getting here. 

"Should we not save this one? Have you never heard anyone say 'save the best for last'?" I ask. I am just a little worried that we wasted our money on the unlimited ride bracelets. If he is just going to ride this ride and then get bored, tickets may have been the way to go. 

"Akaashi, this obviously  _ isn't _ the best," the way he says it makes me second guess myself. I turn around quickly, looking for a bigger roller coaster. When I am not able to find one, I turn back to him. He looks disappointed. 

"I figured this would be the most exciting, am I wrong?" I am genuinely puzzled. Bokuto is the exact type of person who likes big roller coasters. The only reason I am even still standing in this line is that I made the mistake of assuming that they were his favorite. 

"Well- yeah… It  _ is  _ the most exciting. But it isn't the best!" He shoots me another expectant look like I am going to magically understand what he is talking about. 

When his look is met with silence, he pouts. " _ Akaashi…,"  _ I just wait patiently for him to tell me what exactly he is talking about so that I can agree with him. That way, this whole problem will be solved. "The best is  _ obviously _ the Ferris wheel! Have you never been to a fair?" 

"We have been to a fair together before, Bokuto." I can't help but smile at his choice in ride though, and for once I actually  _ do  _ agree with him. I like Ferris wheels. 

"Duh, I know that." He rolls his eyes, seemingly over his momentary disappointment. He turns to face the end of the line, excitedly glancing at me every few seconds. He looks like he wants to say something. 

"What is it?" I ask, turning my attention from the top of the ride to him. 

"You look  _ nervous _ Akaashi. Are you scared?" He asks, poking my shoulder teasingly while he talks. I should've known he'd pull this. 

"Of course I am not scared. Why would I be afraid of a giant metal death trap that is being operated in the dark?" I say, voice thick with sarcasm. 

Immediately his whole countenance changes. "Wait… are you actually scared? We don't have to go if you're scared." He looks worried, I hadn't meant to upset him. 

"No, Bo, I'm fine. That was a joke." He sighs, very obviously relieved. I'm almost touched at his willingness to not go on a roller coaster for me. 

"You have got to work on your joke delivery. I thought you were being serious." He lets out a laugh and slaps me on the back. I jump a little, but shake it off instead of complaining this time. 

"Obviously," is all I can think to say in response. We wait in partial silence for the rest of our time in the line. Every once in awhile Bokuto will think of something or notice something that he decides to voice, and I usually respond with one or two words before we sink back into a comfortable quiet. Well, as quiet as it gets in the middle of a fair anyways. 

We are surrounded by noise pollution from all sides. Children crying, people of various ages talking and laughing, and having the times of their lives. That plus the sound of crappy pop music blasting over multiple speakers throughout the park makes for very interesting background noise. I would be perfectly happy just standing there and listening all night, but we eventually make it to the front of the line and I am forced to turn my attention to the roller coaster. 

Bokuto's excitement is bubbling over, he is starting to literally bounce in place. I would normally ask him to calm down, but just this once, for the sake of getting to see him so happy, I let it slide. He is very in his element here. 

Where he is a loud, excitable, fun to be around person, I am a quiet, arguably boring person. So I have been told, anyways. But for now, I can pretend. Anything to see him happy like he is.

We are herded by a ride attendant into our seats for the ride. We are pretty close to the front, something that Bokuto seems very excited about. 

"The farther up we are the faster it'll go, Akaashi! We're going to go  _ so fast _ ." He nods his head knowingly, like this is something wise that very few people are aware of. 

"I'm not sure that's actually how it works," I say, trying to stifle a laugh as I buckle myself into my seat. I can feel a pit forming in my stomach, but I do my best to push it down and enjoy the ride. 

The second it starts to take off, Bokuto grabs onto my arm. Turns out  _ he  _ is the scared one, not me. I let him use me for support, and just try my best not to look towards the ground. 

Despite our prior anxiety, I think we both enjoyed the ride. It was a little higher up than I would have preferred, but fun nonetheless. I only have a second to catch my breath when we get off before I am being dragged off by Bokuto once again. 

This pattern continues for about an hour. We've been on nearly every ride, and I have had to convince Bokuto numerous times that he probably shouldn't waste his money on the games. 

So much for working on saying no to him. He convinces me on the games shortly after I thought we were over them. I only am letting him play one game, and he only does it until he wins a prize. Immediately, to my surprise, he turns and hands it to me, a huge smile on his face. "Akaashi, here! It's for you." 

Despite the fact that it is a poorly manufactured stuffed bear, I still really appreciate it. "Thank you." I can feel my cheeks heat up, but I can't quite place the reason. Maybe I am overheating, or something. 

"Okay, I know its late, but can we do one last ride Akaashi?" He asks, giving his best and most sarcastic puppy dog eyes. He knows I'll say yes, considering these ride bracelets were worth a small fortune. 

When I nod, he starts walking. I try my best to keep up, not wanting to fall behind and get separated from him. We walk for a minute or so, before arriving at the Ferris wheel. I can't help but notice how pretty it looks at night. The brightly colored lights reflect in Bokuto's eyes, making them shine brighter than they already were before. I didn't know it was possible for someone to look so alive. It's almost breathtaking. 

The lines are shorter now, I hear through the speakers that this will be the last ride of the night. We must have been here for longer than I thought. We walk right up, and the operator puts us in the next empty booth. Bokuto sits across from me, but I find myself wishing he was closer. It's… strange, to say the least. 

We sit in silence for a while. Actual silence, this time. No more noise loud enough to drown out my thoughts, just us. If I were to listen close, I am almost positive I could hear Bokuto breathing from here. He seems so enchanted by the view. I would give anything to be the one that puts that expression on his face. 

In that moment, as I stare at him and he stares at the ground. Something clicks. 

It makes sense now. Why I have never been able to say no to him. Why I can't seem to keep my eyes off of him. Why every time I close my eyes, I am thinking about him. Why I even agreed to leave with him in the first place. 

I love him. I love Bokuto Koutaro. 

I want so badly to say it out loud, to cement it in my brain. It's criminal that it took me so long to realize it. Now that I know, I feel like I should shout it from the rooftops. I want everyone to know.

I love him. 

I love his smile. I love his laugh. I love his eyes. I love every single aspect of him. All the things that make him him. I love how he goes out of his way to annoy me sometimes. I love how he looks at me after he says something, expecting me to laugh. I love his corny jokes. 

I love him. 

"I love you." 

"What?" Bokuto turns to me, a look of pure confusion on his face. 

"I, um- nothing. Sorry." I did not at all mean to say that loud. I didn't even know that I said it until it was too late.

"No, what did you say?" The look on his face quickly goes from confused to serious. Did he… hear me? 

"I just uh, the view is pretty." Why is my face heating up again? It's cold. 

"That wasn't it." He's insistent. He knows that I'm hiding something.

"Well, I um- what I was saying was-" 

I'm cut off my Bokuto leaning across the capsule and pulling me into a kiss. I close my eyes, slowly reaching a hand up to rest on his shoulder. But before I can, he moves away. 

"A-akaashi, I am  _ so  _ sorry. I didn't mean to-" 

Quickly, to avoid being stopped by my nerves, I move to sit next to him and pull him into a hug. "Don't apologize." 

"I love you, Akaashi." 

"I love you too." 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if your heart was full of love  
> could you give it up?  
> -not about angels, birdy

Neither of us said a word after we got off the Ferris wheel. In fact, Bokuto doesn't even glance in my direction until we get back to the car. But he doesn't let go of my hand. That's my only saving grace here, if he were to let go I don't know what I would do. 

Unable to stand the silence anymore, I decide to say something when we reach the car. "Bokuto, is that why you asked me to come with you?" 

He looks relatively startled by my question. It takes him nearly a full minute to think of his response. "Um, kind of. Not… not really." He sounds incredibly nervous, and I hate that it's partially my fault. 

"You don't have to tell me," I say, giving his hand a gentle squeeze. I don't want to ruin our night with my curiosity. Especially since it doesn't really matter to me why he asked me to come, I would have gone regardless. I know that now. 

I set the bear he won me on the hood of the car, so that I can hug him again. He practically melts into it, probably relieved that I didn't pry him any further. The previous chill caused by the night air immediately leaves when his arms are around me. He's warm, and I can't help but feel comforted by his presence. He doesn't even have to say or do anything for me to feel at home with him. 

We stand there like that for a while, not saying much of anything. I can feel people staring at us as they pass to get to their cars, but Bokuto doesn't seem to care, so I convince myself that I don't either. In this moment, I could be anywhere, and it wouldn't matter so long as he were with me. 

Bokuto is the one to break the silence this time. "Can I drive?" I just nod in response and we go to get into the car. I nearly forget about the bear, but remember in time to grab it before we drive off with it on the hood. 

In the car, we just talk. We talk for  _ hours _ , about anything we can think to talk about. It's strange, I don't think I have ever held a conversation for this long. But it doesn't feel tiring and unnecessary like usual. I find myself agonizing over every pause, wanting so badly to hear Bokuto's voice. It's like I'm meeting him for the first time all over again. I already know most of the things he is telling me, but now they seem like the most interesting things in the world. 

I learn that Bokuto's favorite drink isn't actually orange soda, it's apple juice, and he just told everyone otherwise because he didn't want to seem childish. I tell him I don't think that's childish, and he gets that big smile on his face. I would do anything to see him smile like that all the time.

  
"You look pretty when you smile," Bokuto says. It's like he took the words right out of my mouth. I hadn't even realized I was smiling, but when he mentions that I can feel my cheeks heat up. I am very grateful that it's dark, I would never live it down if he caught me blushing. 

I've never been good at receiving compliments, so I just stare over at him. He laughs at my silence. "I mean it, Akaashi! You have a pretty smile. It's like… You remind me of those angels they put all over everything at christmas time!" 

It's my turn to laugh, albeit quietly. "Thank you," I hesitantly reply. I wonder if I should tell him how much I love his smile, but he starts to talk again before I get the chance to. 

Eventually, I fall asleep. I hear him whisper something as my eyes drift shut, but I can't quite place what it is. I try to wake myself up, so that I can ask him to say it again. But I am too tired. I curse myself for having human needs, and drift off into a peaceful slumber. 

_ "Thank you, Akaashi." _


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i don't wanna seem the way i do  
> but i'm confident when i'm with you  
> lately, all i feel is bad and bruised  
> tired of tripping on my shoes  
> -cloud 9, beach bunny

"Akaashi…? Hey, wake up." 

I reach a hand up to my face and rub my eyes, in a sorry attempt to wake myself up. My arms feel heavy, but Bokuto sounds worried, so I fight off the urge to just go back to sleep. "What is it?" 

"Promise you won't be mad?" I don't even have to open my eyes to know the look he has on his face right now. What could he have possibly done? 

I yawn, trying to stretch out as much as I can in my seat. "I promise." 

"Okay, well, we're um…" He pauses, watching as I look out my window. My eyes are greeted by a lush green forest. I can hear water somewhere near us, a waterfall, maybe? Or a river? It doesn't really matter, because I know now exactly what Bokuto is about to tell me. "We're lost. I'm so sorry Akaashi, I thought I knew where we were going! But then we started driving in here and I haven't seen anywhere to turn around and-" 

"Bokuto, shh. It's fine. Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" I turn away from my window to look at my very distressed… boyfriend? Friend, very close friend. Mentally, I scold myself, now is  _ not  _ the time for this. "I have only been asleep for a few hours, so we can get out of here. Don't panic, please." 

"You just looked so peaceful and you haven't ever slept that well in the car before so I didn't want to-" 

"Bo, it's alright. I am not mad, I promised." I try my best to sound encouraging, so that he will calm down. It seems to work, at least a little. "Pull over here, okay?" 

He sends me a puzzled glance, but does as I ask and pulls over towards the side of the road. Once we're stopped, I get out of the car and start to walk over to his side. He does the same, waiting for me outside his door. 

Slowly, I walk up to him. I point towards the door that he is blocking. "I can turn us around." 

"Actually? Isn't it dangerous?" I find it really sweet that he's worried about me, so I choose not to mention that it is kind of our only option at the moment. 

"Yes, actually. I can-" I am cut off by Bokuto pulling me into a big bear hug. 

"You're the BEST Akaashi!" I would like to tell him that I am not the best, and that it's really a gamble whether or not I am able to get the car turned around on this narrow of a road, but I can't bring myself to when he looks so proud of me. He makes me  _ want _ to be the best. 

Once he lets me go I take my seat on the driver's side, and patiently wait for Bokuto to walk around the car before starting to try and turn around. It takes me ten minutes to get us back on track, but Bokuto gets that big smile on his face again when I do, making everything 100% worth it. 

"How long have you been driving on this road?" I ask, keeping my eyes glued to the narrow road ahead of us. 

"Well… I got here an hour after you fell asleep. So, since then. I really am sorry, I should have just woke you up. You just looked like you were having such a good dream, so…" I hate hearing him sound so sad over something like this. 

"Bokuto, i'm not mad." I reassure him, once again. 

"I know, I just feel bad! What if we got stranded? Then it would have been my fault." I thought I had narrowly avoided him getting like this earlier, and we were fine now, turns out I was wrong. 

"We aren't stranded, so there isn't anything to be sorry for." I glance in his direction, trying really hard to sound sincere. 

At this point, I would do pretty much anything for him to cheer up. It's not that I don't want to  _ deal  _ with him when he's like this, it's that I don't want him to feel bad. It hurts me to see him so upset over something so small just because he thinks I am angry with him over it. Do I really seem angry that often? 

"Well, yeah, but-" 

"Bo, I love you. Everything is fine." I didn't really think about what I was saying, so when Bokuto responds with a look of pure shock, I am confused. 

In a split second the whole atmosphere changes. My cheeks flush out of embarrassment of what I just let slip. I did  _ not _ mean to say that. Neither of us had brought up what happened at the fair since it happened, and I wasn't planning on doing it any time soon. What I said was the truth, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that it's painfully embarrassing for me to say. 

I don't like how vulnerable I am, so I keep my eyes trained on the road as a distraction. I don't want to see Bokuto's reaction any more than I already have anyways, so it works out. 

"I love you too, Akaashi," he responds very quietly, after a moment of silence. Relief floods through me, and I can't help but smile at his words. It's strangely nice to hear him say that out loud, to me. 

The rest of our drive in the woods is spent in silence. It's only broken by Bokuto's cheers when we reach the freeway. I laugh as he hangs his head out the window and declares me the best navigator, even though he had only gone straight since making his wrong turn. Then, we make our way to the nearest restaurant, both of us starving. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what if i'm down?  
> what if i'm out?   
> what if i'm someone you won't talk about?  
> -falling, harry styles

Bokuto left me in the car to grab us food, so I took the time alone as a chance to gather my thoughts. 

At this very moment, I am more confused about Bokuto than I ever have been in the past. He was always so simple to me. We were close friends, and I cared about him a lot. So what if I couldn't help but notice how handsome he looks when he smiles? That's normal. But now it's so much more than that. 

Now, every time I look at him I feel this overwhelming sense of comfort. When I am with him, I feel like I can take on just about anything. That's a very foreign feeling for me. I am the type of person to just go wherever life takes me. I haven't ever been too concerned with what I am doing, or who I am with. But with Bokuto that's different, I  _ want _ to be with him. All the time. 

I could spend my whole life driving around in his car and talking with him, I really could. I could listen to him tell me the same stories over and over again forever and I would never get tired of them. I would spend an eternity doing everything in my ability just to see him smile. That is simply a fact, one that I can easily recognize. 

I know that, and I know I should tell him that. Word for word, I should recite that to him. I should get it through his head how much I want to be with him. I can't bring myself to, though. Don't get me wrong, I've tried, I really have. But I can't force the words out of my mouth. It's almost as if I am scared. Scared of putting myself out there, maybe. I rarely go outside of my comfort zone like this. But, what scares me the most is the idea that maybe Bokuto doesn't feel the same. 

He says he loves me, and I do believe him. There's just this corner of my mind that is presenting me with all these what-ifs, and they're keeping me from telling him what I so desperately want him to know. What if he thinks I'm crazy for saying that? What if he doesn't feel so strongly? What if all this was just some kind of big mistake, and he's trying to figure out how he is going to tell me that he didn't mean it? 

By the time Bokuto comes back, I'm hyperventilating. I don't think I have ever been this scared of anything before in my life. I watch as he throws our dinner to the side and comes over to my side of the car, pulling the door open and kneeling beside me. 

"Akaashi? Hey, hey! What's wrong? Did something happen?" The look on his face sends a pang of guilt through me, I don't want him to worry about me like this. 

I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut and trying to force his pained expression out of my mind. I try to get the message across that I am fine, and I just need a minute to calm down. Between his frantic questioning and my struggling to breathe, it doesn't really make it. 

"Hey, it's okay! You just gotta breathe Akaashi." I can tell he is trying hard to keep it together. I am about to try and tell him I am alright again but he gently pulls me from my seat and onto the grass with him, and I give up. 

Carefully, he wraps his arms around me, rubbing my back and quietly continuing to ask me to calm down. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes again, focusing on breathing. I need to calm myself, for his sake. 

Once he feels that my breathing is back to normal, he tries to slowly pull me away from him. I reluctantly allow him, wishing I could stay close to him like that just a little longer. "What happened?" He asks very cautiously like he thinks he is going to somehow upset me again. 

"Nothing, I just let my thoughts get to me is all. I'm sorry." My voice doesn't sound like me. It's frail and shaky, I almost fail to recognize it at first. Bokuto only looks more worried, so I can tell he heard it too. 

"Thoughts about what? Are you…," he stops himself. He looks as if there is something he wants to say, but it takes him a moment to decide if he actually wants to say it or not. "Are you wanting to go back home?" 

"No, absolutely not." My voice returns to me, probably due to the shock of the question he just asked me. What had I done that made him think I wanted to go back home? That is the last thing I want to do. I have to tell him that. 

"Are you sure? If you wanted to we could just-" 

I cut him off, "Bokuto, no." That is so painfully far from the truth. "Why do you think I want to go back? I wouldn't do that to you." 

"Well, you just… I don't know. I dragged you out here, so if you want to go home we can go home." He looks serious. Does he not realize? 

"Bo, I am home." That's all I say, but judging by the look on his face, that was enough.

He pulls me into another tight hug, and this time I return the sentiment. It isn't exactly what I wanted to say, but I think for now it works. 

We sit there for a long time, just holding each other and leaning against the side of the car. Eventually, Bokuto pulls away once again to grab our food. I had forgotten all about it amid that momentary chaos. 

We eat our meal in silence. Bokuto finishes before me, and I can tell he is waiting for me to be done so that he can do something. What, exactly? I do not know. I hurry to finish my food, and then turn my full attention to him. 

"Akaashi, can I ask you something?" He looks hesitant. I nod in response and wait for him to continue. "Are we… What are we?" 

For once, he asks me something that I had been expecting. I find that that doesn't make me any more prepared. Slowly, I inhale, trying to plan out my response to his question before I say it out loud. "We're whatever you want." 

"What does that mean?" 

"Exactly what you think it means. We're whatever you want us to be."

The nervous look doesn't leave his face, and he doesn't respond this time. He just looks at me, seemingly trying to gauge what I am thinking. Instead of letting him agonize anymore, I move so that I am right in front of him, our noses nearly touching. "Bokuto, can I kiss you?" 

His eyes go wide, but he nods. So I do. I kiss him.

Afterward, he just stares at me, completely silent. I stare back, taking in every single one of his features against the quickly setting sun. He really is the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Maybe, one day, I'll tell him that. 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> if you need me, wanna see me  
> better hurry 'cuz i'm leaving soon  
> -listen before i go, billie eilish

We spend a few days on the road, just driving and talking. Usually, that would bother me. But since it's Bokuto, I don't mind it. 

Things are a little different today, I can feel a tension that isn't usually there with us. We're on our way to another hotel so that we can shower and get some decent sleep (so the night should be peaceful) but I want so badly to ask him what's wrong. I make a mental note to casually bring it up later in our room. 

It doesn't take us very long to get there since we were already driving towards the city it's in. It's a different city than last time, and we get a little lost due to the unfamiliar roads, but Bokuto manages to get us there. 

Once we make it, Bokuto goes to get our room like last time, and I wait in the car. This time, I clear my thoughts of anything negative to avoid a repeat of the situation from earlier. Instead of sitting and waiting, I get out of the car and grab the blankets I had put in the trunk to bring in with us (and hopefully wash). 

Bokuto quickly comes back out and helps me carry our stuff to the room. We do the same thing we did last time: shower, argue about charging our phones, and then lay down. Except there is one key difference between this hotel visit and the last one. 

I go to lie down in the bed opposite from the one Bokuto is in, but I am stopped by him grabbing my shirt. "Akaashi," I don't have to look to know that he is pouting. 

"Did you need something?" I turn to him, mildly confused. 

"Well… no. Not really," he says, glancing away from my gaze. I'm slightly amused by how shy he is acting, so I don't respond and just wait for him to continue. "Since we're um, together now. Shouldn't we share a bed? Not! Not inappropriately I just… Well, I wanted to hold you, so um-" 

I hold my hand up and cut him off, "Scoot over then." It's a little embarrassing, but I eventually situate myself next to him. 

Bokuto wraps his arms around me and cuddles in as close as he possibly can. I can't help but smile, even though I am feeling a little awkward about the whole ordeal. Something about being so close to him is just undeniably comforting. 

We lay in silence for a while, just enjoying each other's company. Eventually, Bokuto reaches for the remote, I grab his arm to stop him. 

"Akaashi," he whines, "I want to turn it on." 

"I know you do, you can in a moment. Can we talk first?" He visibly pales. I hadn't intended for that question to be so stress-inducing. 

"Are you mad? Did I do something wrong?" In a split second, all his attention turns from finding the remote to me. He looks genuinely worried, and I feel him slowly trying to pull away from my arms. 

"No, I'm not mad at all. You are completely okay, you didn't do anything," I say, trying my best to sound reassuring. When I feel him relax, I know that it worked. 

"Alright… then what is it?" He watches my expression, probably trying to figure out what I am going to say before I say it. He has never been good at that. 

I gently run a hand through his hair, trying to keep the atmosphere as calm as possible before I say what's on my mind. "You seemed a little off earlier, Bo. I know it was probably nothing but, it's been happening a lot lately. Is something wrong?" 

I can tell just by the look in his eyes that something was wrong, but he hesitates to answer. When he does, it's very quiet and reserved. "No, nothing is wrong." 

"Are you sure, Love?" I continue to play with his hair, trying to get him to feel comfortable talking about whatever it is that's bothering him. I didn't even really notice the pet name, but he did. A dark flush spreads across Bokuto's face, and he breaks our eye contact. 

"Well- I- um, I was just thinking," he remains quiet. His demeanor change is starting to worry me. 

"About what?" I decide to cut it with the names, though I'll admit that I do enjoy them. I just feel like right now is not the best time for them. 

He bites his lip, I can see the gears turning in his head. He's probably trying to decide whether or not he should tell me what he is thinking about. I trust that he wouldn't lie to me, he isn't the type of person who would do that. However, he might hide the truth a little if he really felt like he couldn't talk to me. All I can do is hope that's not the case. 

"I was just… Well I- I thought it might be time that we start heading home." He purposely does not look at me, which is probably for the best. The look on my face is one of pure shock. That is the  _ last _ thing I would have expected him to say to me. 

"Bo… why? Do you want to go home?" I can't help but sound a little upset, as much as I try to mask it. 

"No, I don't. I just feel like it isn't fair for me to keep you away like I am." For the first time in a while, he looks at me. It's just a glance, but his eyes are filled with guilt. It makes me feel awful. 

"Bo, you aren't keeping me away. I came here willingly, remember?" Carefully, I place a hand on his face and move it so that we're looking at each other again. "You didn't kidnap me. I want to be here." 

"I know! I just," he pauses, trying once again to avert his gaze. "I don't want to talk about it right now." 

"Please?" 

"No." He leans down and hides his face in the crook of my neck. I let him, but I don't stop trying to get him to talk to me. 

"You can't just stop now, Bokuto. Please talk to me," I plead, gently petting his head. I want him to talk to me, but I don't want him to feel bad anymore. When I am met with silence once again I give up. As much as I want to know, I don't want to upset him more than I already have. 

"Do you want to watch TV now?" I ask after a minute, he shakes his head.

"Are you going to sleep there?" He pulls away and looks at me, his eyes are red-rimmed. I made him cry. "Bo… are you-" 

"Can I sleep here?" He cuts me off. I reach out and gently wipe a tear from his cheek, answering his question with a nod. He goes back to where he was, and I wrap my free arm around him. Soon enough, we're both asleep. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i could follow you to the beginning  
> and just to relive the start  
> maybe then we'll remember to slow down  
> at all of our favorite parts  
> all i wanted was you   
> -all i wanted, paramore

When we both wake up, Bokuto is in an oddly good mood. It's almost off puttingly pleasant, like he is trying to deflect the tension with his chipper attitude. He doesn't bring up a single thing about last night, so I don't either. I don't want to scare him off by mentioning it and ruin our day, so I will just have to wait for later. 

Once we have all our things together, and our phones fully charged--I insisted Bokuto charge his this time--we make our way back to his car. We both get situated in silence, and for the first time on this whole trip, Bokuto reaches over and turns the radio on. I take that as a hint that he doesn't want to talk, and leave him alone. 

The music stays on for hours, not giving me a chance to mention anything from last night. The most I have been able to get in is a request that we stop at the next gas station, and even then the only thing he responded with was a quick nod. He won't even look at me. 

I feel guilty for making him so uncomfortable. He has never once in his life not wanted to be talking constantly. Generally, the only times he's quiet are for my sake. I stare hard out of the window, blinking a stray tear out of my eye. I have no reason to be crying, he is the one who is hurting right now. It's my fault he's ignoring me in the first place. 

I clear my mind of any and all negative thoughts, and focus on the music he has playing. Lucky for me, it's just some random pop song that was most likely released recently. If it were some sappy ballad about breakups I might just lose my mind. 

It doesn't take very long for me to fall asleep, considering I don't even  _ like _ pop music. 

When I wake up again, it's almost dark. I look out the window to see where we are, and notice that the car is stopped. We're on the side of the road somewhere, and Bokuto is not in the seat next to me. Quickly, I get out of the car to try and find him. 

I scan our surroundings, and find him sitting in some grass behind the car. He had set out one of our blankets and is currently putting candles on all four corners of it. I walk over, and notice an array of various gas station foods spread out on and next to the blanket, presumably for us to eat. 

Bokuto looks up and notices me, a bright smile appearing on his face. "Akaashi, hi!" 

"Where did you get all this?" I ask him, kneeling down beside the blanket. He pulls me onto it with him and gestures grandly at his handiwork. 

"I stopped at a gas station while you were sleeping! I thought it would be nice to stop and look at the stars instead of driving all night, and I figured you'd be hungry, so... " he smiles again, that same smile I can never quite get over, "I set us up a picnic!" 

For a moment, I completely forget about all of the worries that had been plaguing me since last night. "That is very sweet of you, Bo." 

A light blush spreads across his face at my words, and he nervously rubs the back of his neck, eyes fluttering away from mine. "It's really nothing," he says with an awkward laugh. 

"I still think it's nice." Very carefully, I lean into him and tilt my head back to look at the sky. It's just barely getting dark, so there aren't many stars yet, but when I glance at Bokuto the expression on his face tells me that he doesn't care. 

This happiness is a lot different from this morning, he seems to be genuinely really happy. This morning's was fake and completely forced, I never want to see Bokuto like that again. 

He looks down and catches me staring, but I don't bother trying to cover it up. Instead, I just offer him a small smile. He looks delighted. 

After a few moments filled with an amount of eye contact that would be uncomfortable if it were with anyone but Bokuto, he points to the food spread. I separate us, letting him continue with his plan. 

"I didn't know what you'd want, so I kind of just got everything that sounded good," he holds up a bag of chips, squinting to read the flavor with the help of the light from the candle. "It's mostly just, you know, snacks. But I think snacks for dinner is good." He opens the chips and grabs a handful, setting the bag inbetween us. 

"I know you do Bokuto," I sigh, "I'm sure that it'll be fine just this once." 

He seems very satisfied with my reaction, and continues happily eating his chips. I don't take any, instead I look through the other things he got. 

"Oh! They didn't have that weird drink you like, but I got us tea." He points to a couple different flavors of iced tea sitting at the far end of the blanket. 

"You mean my kombucha?" I ask as I reach for a tea. 

"Yeah, the weird vinegar stuff? I think it's gross, but I was going to get you one! I just couldn't find it anywhere," he looks at me apologetically, "Next time I will grab one, I promise." 

"Bo, it's fine. I like tea too." I can't help but laugh at his opinions on kombucha, I don't know how many times I explained to him the health benefits before I just gave up. He swears it tastes like plain vinegar. 

It doesn't take us long to finish all of the food. Admittedly, Bokuto ate most of it. I have a smaller appetite than he does, so it doesn't really matter much to me. 

I watch as he clears the garbage (he insisted that I stay put and let him do it). Once he finishes, he goes around the blanket and collects all the candles, blowing them out as he goes. He places them in the trunk with the now garbage-filled bag and comes back to sit next to me on the blanket. 

He turns his face to the sky again, and I follow suit. The sky is lit up with thousands of stars now. I briefly glance at Bokuto, and can't help but notice that the way they reflect in his eyes is so much prettier than seeing them in the sky. 

"Hey Akaashi?" he says without turning towards me. 

"Yes?" I respond, doing everything in my power to keep me from staring at him again. 

"I love you." 

Even though I have heard him say that to me before, it still takes my breath away. I'm too stunned to even respond for a moment. "I love you too, Bo." 

He smiles, and pulls me down with him as he falls against the blanket. I end up resting against his chest, but make no move to leave that spot. I can tell that was what he had planned, because he gently wraps both his arms around me as soon as he knows I am not going to move away. 

We lay like that for a long time, just looking up at the sky. Every once in a while, Bokuto will quietly say something and I will respond equally as quiet, but for the most part we remain in a comfortable silence. This silence is so much different than the painful silence from our car ride earlier. I feel warm and safe wrapped in his arms like I am, I don't think I have ever felt so safe in my life. For once, I decide to tell him what I am thinking. 

"Bo, I feel really safe with you." I obviously can't see him, but I can imagine what he probably looks like right now. His eyes are probably blown wide, and most likely he has a big smile on his face. It's not often that I speak out like that, though I try to as much as I can. 

Instead of making things awkward for me, Bokuto laughs and gently intertwines our fingers. "We're on the side of the freeway, Akaashi. Isn't it a little weird to feel safe here?"

I laugh along with him, tilting my head in an attempt to see his face. "That's not what I meant."

His smile turns soft, and he uses his spare hand to brush the hair out of my face. "I know." His expression is soft and kind, but his eyes are filled with pain. It doesn't take me long to realize that something is wrong again. 

"Are you alright?" I whisper, flipping around to face him. 

"I'm fine," he responds, averting his gaze from me and back to the sky.

_ God,  _ I love the reflection of the stars in his eyes. 

"You don't have to pretend with me." I try to sound comforting and sincere, but with my current state of mind I probably come off harsher than I intend. 

"Akaashi, let's drop it okay?" I sigh, and climb off of him to sit up on the blanket. He looks a little startled, but slowly sits up as well. 

"We're not going to just drop it this time. Please tell me what's going on," he winces at my words. I am filled with dread as I watch the smile fall from his face. I hate this. 

"I really would rather talk about it later. Can't we go back to cuddling?" He tries to give me puppy dog eyes, presumably to lighten the mood again, but this time I can't go along with it. 

"I don't like seeing you sad, Bo. You've been really off lately, I think it'll help if you talk to me." His eyes go from sad to completely blank. He looks numb. I hate this. 

Instead of answering, he just stares at me. I stare back. We are sitting right next to each other, but Bokuto feels miles away from me right now. I am going to be sick. 

A whole three minutes of pained silence goes by, each one feels like a slap in the face. I make no move to continue speaking, and neither does he. We're both frozen. 

Eventually, he gives up. He slouches over, rubbing his face with his hands. "My parents." 

"What?" 

"My parents." 

"What about them?" Bokuto's parents always seemed like nice enough people to me, though I did not spend a lot of time interacting with them. We mostly hung out at my house, and the few times I went to his house they weren't home. So I only ever saw them at school related events. 

"The day before we left, I told them how I felt about you." He looks at me, going quiet again. I'm struggling to see what's going on here. Usually, it's easy for me to connect the dots with Bokuto. I can see what he is trying to say before he does, and I can guess how he is feeling. This uncertainty is scaring me. "They didn't like it." 

"What… what do you mean?" I can feel my hands start to shake, but my breathing remains normal. I almost feel like I am watching this play out, rather than actively participating in it. 

Bokuto sighs, looking up at me quickly. His expression is almost angry. "They didn't like that I had feelings for you, Akaashi. They didn't like that their son wanted to be with another boy." 

"Oh." My voice sounds small, and barely like me at all. 

" _ Yeah _ ." His tone is sharp. He has never acted like this with me. 

"Why didn't you tell me before?" I reach out to place my hand over his, but he pulls away. I retract my hands, shoving them into my coat pockets. 

"I didn't want you to know." 

"Why not? We could've gone and talked with them. I'm sure they would've-" 

"This is exactly why, Akaashi. You would go and try to 'solve things' and that would make it worse." I am more than a little shocked. I can feel hot tears running down my face, but I do nothing to prevent them. "They want to send me away. They want to  _ seperate  _ us. That's why… that's why I had to go."

"You should have told me." I stand up. It's my turn to be angry now. How is it fair for him to ask me to run away with him and not tell me why when it's something so important? Did I not deserve to know? 

"Akaashi-" 

"No. You should have told me." 

"There was no way I could-" 

"Why not?" I watch him stand up slowly, making eye contact the entire time. "Was there some underlying reason that I couldn't know? Do you not trust me?" 

"I just wanted to be with you. I just wanted to spend time together, with you, without having to worry about any of that." 

"So you just decided I was better off not knowing then? How is this- how is this fair?" I don't even register that I am raising my voice until I am already yelling. "Bokuto, I fell for you. I love you! And now, what? You're just going to leave?" 

"No, I'm not-" 

"We can't stay out here forever. You know that. We're almost out of time. We're going to go back home, and you're going to leave me." I am practically in hysterics at this point. Everything hurts so much. I haven't ever experienced a pain like this before. 

"Akaashi, calm down please." 

"No, fuck this," I take off the jacket that I was borrowing from him and throw it down, starting to walk away. 

"Wait! Where are you going?" 

"I'll be back." 

I need space. I can't stand to look at Bokuto for another second. How could he just let me love him when he knew he was leaving? How is that fair to me? I feel like I am going to throw up. 

When I return to the car, Bokuto is not there anymore. The blanket and everything from our date had been packed into the back of the car. I climb into the passenger seat and slam my door. 

I'm tired, so tired. I fall asleep again before Bokuto comes back to the car. 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one word from you and i would  
> jump off this  
> ledge i'm on   
> baby   
> -first love / late spring, mitski

I wake up with a start, hearing some sort of noise outside of the car. I look to my left and see that Bokuto has yet to return to the driver's seat. I can't help but be momentarily concerned, it isn't like him to just disappear. 

Exiting my seat as quickly as I can, I prepare to go out and look for him. My search ends as quickly as it began though, because he is standing right outside the car. It seems the noise that I heard was him kicking a tire. He's facing away from me, so I can't tell if it was out of frustration or not. 

I stand there for a moment, just waiting for him to say something. I'm not sure if I was expecting an apology or another heated exchange, but I certainly was not expecting silence. Much to my surprise, silence is what I get. 

This silence is different from any I have ever experienced. It isn't the comforting silence that I felt when I was in his arms underneath the stars. It isn't the sickening silence that was eating at me when he wouldn't talk to me in the car. It isn't even the boring, normal silence that I have grown accustomed to. It is completely different. 

It takes me longer than I would like to admit to realize just how much I despise this silence. It is tense and uncertain. I would prefer  _ anything _ over this. It is almost as if I can feel his painful discomfort, or maybe that is just me. 

We stay like this for quite some time. Every minute that passes with nothing said, my horror grows. He must know that I am here, so why is he ignoring me? Is he waiting for me to talk? Even if he is, I have nothing to say. What could I possibly say after what happened earlier? 

Another minute passes. He hasn't even turned to look at me yet, I am stuck staring at the back of his head. This is getting too much for me to bear. 

"Bokuto..?" My voice fails me, coming out no louder than a whisper. I can tell that he hears me speaking, though. He practically flinched when I started to talk. Did I really scare him that badly? 

Despite my efforts to start some sort of conversation, he keeps up his previous silence. The pit in my stomach grows deeper as I am filled with guilt. I never wanted to hurt him like this. But how could I not get angry? 

"Will you drive?" It feels like it has been an eternity since I have heard his voice. 

"I will." 

We both climb into our respective seats of the car, and I start it up without a word. He reaches to turn on the radio, but I block his hand. For the first time since I woke up, he looks at me. "Is something wrong?" 

"Of course there is. I want to talk to you." I move my hand back to the wheel of the car, feeling his eyes peer into the side of my head. I want to turn and look at him so badly. 

He keeps quiet, presumably so that I can start to talk. So, I take my opportunity. "I want you to explain why you didn't tell me about what happened before we left." 

"I already did," he objects. But I stay quiet, deciding to copy his behavior from earlier rather than argue back. I want an explanation from him, a  _ real _ explanation. 

I hear him sigh and shuffle in his seat. "I just wanted to have time with you, Akaashi. I needed time, just a little bit of time." Judging by the volume of his voice, he is facing as far away from me as he can. I wish he would look at me again. 

"I would have wanted you to tell me. Did it not occur to you that telling me  _ why _ I was running away with you might be important? We could get in real trouble for this." I look over to him, just for a second. But it proves pointless, I can't even see his face. 

"That wasn't it," he says quietly, staring out his window. 

"What was it then?" I feel myself getting more and more upset, but at this point, there isn't anything that I can do about it. I don't have any control over myself. It's almost like I am just watching the whole situation play out, not actively participating in it. 

"Akaashi, calm down,  _ please _ ." 

I turn to him, wearing an angry expression. It is probably very easy to see how exhausted I am. "What was it?" I demand, watching as he turns to meet my gaze. 

"Hey, look back at the road. You're going to-" 

"That isn't important, Bokuto! Why won't you answer me?" I'm getting desperate, I can feel moisture start to gather in my eyes. My vision blurs, and before I can even try to stop them, hot tears are streaming down my cheeks.  _ I am so angry.  _

I haven't ever been truly angry before in my life. Sure, I get annoyed, but never  _ angry. _ This is a lifetime of pent up frustrations, finally coming out. Maybe, if I were someone else, this would be no big deal. Maybe someone more like Bokuto would be able to just breeze over the whole thing. Maybe I am the problem here, and not him. 

__ Instead of responding, he just stares at me.  _ God, I love his eyes.  _ Those damn eyes of his, one look could bring me to my knees. I love him. I love him more than anything else on this planet. If he would just  _ talk to me _ . Why won't he talk to me? 

"I shouldn't have ever come with you," I say before I have time to think about what it means. Never before in my life have I regretted something so quickly. His beautiful eyes go wide with shock. He still won't say anything.  _ What do I have to do to get him to talk to me? _

Time seems to slow down momentarily. All of a sudden, I am perfectly calm. All of my anger from before is just gone. I watch as Bokuto reaches across the car to grab the wheel.  _ What is he doing?  _

__ The next time I open my eyes, we are upside down. I hear shallow breathing beside me, and the alarm of a car somewhere in the distance. I can't see much of anything, and my throat feels awful. Did I just scream? 

I try blinking a few times to clear my vision, and it works better than I thought it would. I start being able to see again just in time to watch a pair of legs approach my door, and start to pull me out. 

I can hear myself asking them to put me down,  _ begging _ them to let me go and get Bokuto. He's angry, I tell them, I need to tell him that I am sorry. I  _ have  _ to apologize to him. There is this feeling of dread that I can't shake. For some reason, my brain is telling me that this is my only chance to apologize.

Whoever it is that pulled me out, isn't responding to me. They're looking over the car, I can see that they are talking to someone. Using all the strength that I have left in me, I push them away and hurry around the car to find Bokuto. 

He's laying on the ground when I find him, surrounded by shards of glass and a puddle of blood.  _ Who's blood is that?  _

I quickly kneel beside him and pull him up so that he is lying against me. He feels so much heavier than normal. "Bokuto? Hey, Bo? Answer me, please." It hurts to speak. 

He continues his silence from earlier. It seems like he won't talk to me, no matter what I do. "Bokuto, look. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that I… You know that, right? It was just a joke," I let out an incredibly unconvincing laugh, "You know that. I was joking." 

Nothing. His beautiful eyes that I love so much are closed, he doesn't even want to see me. 

"Bokuto, I know that you're mad, but this isn't the time. Please just, acknowledge me, at least?" He says nothing. The only thing breaking that awful silence is the sound of sirens. "Please, Bo? Please.  _ Please."  _

I feel myself start to let out choked sobs, my brain recognizing something that I have yet to realize. Someone places a hand on my shoulder, but I shake them off. I am not leaving until Bokuto says something,  _ anything _ , to me. 

"Come on, Bo. Please? We don't have to go home, please just answer me." 

He is starting to get colder, I can feel it. I wrap my arms around him, in an effort to keep him warm. I don't want him to get sick. 

The sirens are getting closer now, and I can hear multiple voices shouting over them amongst the chaos. It clicks. I look down at Bokuto, laying cold and limp in my lap, and let out some sort of strangled cry. 

"No, no no no. Bokuto, look at me. Please look at me, Bo." This isn't right. This isn't how it is supposed to be. We're supposed to make up, say that we're sorry, and move on. We're supposed to keep driving until our parents catch up.  _ We're supposed to be together.  _

All I want is for him to look at me again. He doesn't really have to say anything, I just need him to look. I want to be able to see his beautiful golden eyes again. I want to watch them light up when I come into a room. I want to see the night sky reflected in them, just one more time. 

He is colder now, and I can hear the people who came with the sirens moving towards us. I lay him back down, and lean over him, pressing our foreheads together. Through my desperate cries, I manage to get out one last message to him. All I can do is pray that he hears it. 

"I love you, Bokuto." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed this story! Thank you very much for sticking with me until the end. :)


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